The Truth About David Copperfield

Another exposé on the world of magicians, wizards and illusionist today, following up from this site's recent revelation of David Blaine's true nature. The master illusionist himself, David Copperfield, direct descendant of Charles Dickens, has revealed his newest trick: he plans to impregnate a woman, live on stage, without touching her. Now, you may think, "hold on, this all sounds very familiar," and you'd be right. This exact trick has been done before. It was around the beginning of the first century. The performer? None other than God himself.

Copperfield has revealed that he will call the event 'Immaculate Conception 2: Who's God Now?' The event has been both condemned and celebrated by groups of Christians across the world. A great deal of Christians of all denominations have been speaking out against Copperfield's blasphemy. They were most especially upset by his plans to name the child Mango Nevada Copperfield.

"I cannot believe Mr Copperfield could make such claims," said a prominent American bishop. "The Lord will not stand for this blasphemy. He will unleash his fury upon Mr Copperfield and when that happens all we can hope for is that his claims aren't true. What I'm saying is what if Copperfield could fight off God? We'd be all done for! This is the end times!" Bishop Donnelly was later found dead, drowned in his church's baptismal font.

Other religious figures see this as a good sign. "I see this as a good sign," said Fr O'Byrne of Rathfarnham, Dublin, "I really do. This child will be our savoir reborn. He will bring about the prophecies of the Book of Revelations. He will destroy the false prophet and the whole world will end with the battle at Apocalypse. I really think it's a good thing."

Hours after the news was revealed Copperfield's agent issued a press release, hoping to smooth over the angry and somewhat jagged Christians. The woman that Copperfield will be impregnating does not yet exist. He plans to remove one of his ribs on stage and create the fully-grown woman from it. This will be followed by a short intermission where drinks will be served. Then he will move on to the main performance where dinner will be served alongside a popular jazz act that is yet to be announced.

Nobody is sure how Copperfield will impregnate the woman, but a Fox Television spokesperson has said that if he was to do the act through the medium of some sort of mysterious dance they would be forced to sue for copyright infringement (an old Simpsons episode having featured a similar mysterious dance). Copperfield has said that there will be dancing, but neither himself nor his rib woman will be involved.

The cost of tickets for the event is believed to be huge. Some people have already started queuing outside cinemas, stadiums and Ticketmaster outlets around the world, hoping they will somehow come across a ticket to the event. It is already known that several prominent celebrities have their tickets, including Ben Affleck, Brooke Shields and Happy Days star Ron Howard. It's being rumoured that NBC are looking for a new masked magician to re-enact Copperfield's trick, showing the ins and outs of how it's done (pun definitely intended).