The Truth About David Blaine

Who is David Blaine? I mean, the real David Blaine. We all know the street magic, insane "stunt" moron from TV, but is that really him? The answer is – no. I have received word from sources that cannot be disclosed that David Blaine is actually a robot. He was constructed by the League of Magicians, Illusionists and Wizards after the Masked Magician really fucked up all of their good tricks by telling everyone about them. (The Masked Magician was found gunned down three days after he revealed his identity to the world.)

The League placed all of their magical powers and fancy hand movement tricks into the robotic David Blaine. They powered him using the souls of the damned and oven cleaner. With his superior robot powers Blaine was able to perform tricks at a much higher shock rate and accuracy than any other magician. Blaine was ready to take the world by storm, one deck of cards at a time, and the League controlled his every move. At least, for a time they did.

Unfortunately they made the Blainebot too smart. He didn't want to be under the control of lesser magicians any longer. One stormy night he entered the chamber of the League, atop the Sears tower. Using his patented "put someone's watch inside a shop window" trick he put the entire league outside the window, causing them to plummet to their doom and the doom of the rabbits trapped in their headwear.

Blaine went on to do such incredible stunts as standing in front of a block of ice for a really long time, standing on top of a pillar for a really long time and sitting in a glass box for a really long time. These mighty feats could only be accomplished by his supreme robot magician skills. Also he had some sandwiches with him in the box.

My source tells me that the Blainebot's next big stunt is going to be his biggest yet. He plans to lift up the statue of liberty in New York City and lie underneath it, holding it up for a really long time. Will this be the end of Blainebot? I think not. Come back next week when I'll have more from my source, Derren B. (Is that too obvious? Not the name, the joke I was about to make.)