The Truth About Chuck Norris

This Internet thing is all the rage these days and one thing that’s raging even more ragingly than the Internet itself is the phenomenon of Chuck Norris facts. Unfortunately the Chuck Norris facts are not facts at all, but something entirely different, something that is the complete opposite of facts, something dark and sinister. I like to call them – lies. Chuck himself has spoken out about the lies being spread about him. From his official website:

I'm aware of the made up declarations about me that have recently begun to appear on the Internet and in emails as "Chuck Norris facts." I've seen some of them. Some are funny. Some are pretty far out. Being more a student of the Wild West than the wild world of the Internet, I'm not quite sure what to make of it. It's quite surprising. I do know that boys will be boys, and I neither take offense nor take these things too seriously. Who knows, maybe these made up one-liners will prompt young people to seek out the real facts as found in my recent autobiographical book, "Against All Odds?" They may even be interested enough to check out my novels set in the Old West, "The Justice Riders," released this month. I'm very proud of these literary efforts.

Chuck Norris

Word from the man himself that these ‘facts’ are, in fact (sorry), total fabrications, bending the truth and will of the universe to serve humour. As an aside though, I would like to point out how Chuck was hoping the phenomenon was big enough for him to spread a couple of plugs for his books across the Internet and perhaps nearer to the mainstream media than he’s been since Conan O’Brien’s Walker Texas Ranger lever, but back to the “facts”. Since Chuck posted the truth about the lying facts I’ve been doing some research into the real facts about Chuck Norris.

• Chuck Norris was born on March 10th 1940, sixty-five years and one day before Two Sided Rubber Ducky was founded.

• Chuck Norris sleeps, on average, 8 hours a day.

• Chuck Norris did not always have his trademark beard, as shown in photographs of him as a child.

• Chuck Norris has never killed a man in his entire life. In fact, most of the characters he portrays in movies and on television go out of their way to not harm anyone seriously.

• Chuck Norris has read many books. In fact, as shown above, he has written several as well, and never once seen a word assemble itself out of fear.

• Chuck Norris once had to correct a young Walker Texas Ranger fan that nobody can count to infinity; it’s not really a number.

• When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he ordered a small French Fries instead.

• When Chuck Norris falls into water he has to call for help because he never learned to swim as a child, something he regrets deeply.

• “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris?” is a grammatically incorrect phrase trying to make a play on the well known phrase “How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

• Chuck Norris has never tasted ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’ and thus has never formed an opinion on whether he can tell the difference between it and real butter.

• Chuck Norris can divide by zero. The answer is undefined.

• Chuck Norris has invented two martial arts, Chun Kuk Do and American Tang Soo Do. These are not puns.

• When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, it was dubbed by well-known local actors and proved quite a success.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he trims his beard once a week, on a Sunday evening.

• For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, the right one is larger.

• When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score 0 and Chuck Norris will be ashamed that you used his name in your stupidity.

• Chuck Norris cannot have any moons, his body lacks sufficient mass to bring another body into orbit around him.

• Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King once, then realised his mistake and bought a Whopper instead.

• If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate around 402 results, the first page of which all point to Chuck Norris fact pages.

• It takes Chuck Norris about 45 minutes to watch 60 Minutes, as he records the show on his DVR without advertisements.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t believe in Germany’s laws against Holocaust denial. He believes all speech should be free.

• Some people wear Superman pyjamas. Chuck Norris never had a pair as a child.

• Tom Clancy does not have to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because "The Sum of All Fears" is not the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography, “Against All Odds?” is.

• If, by some incredible space-time paradox, Chuck Norris would ever fight himself, it would surely be an evenly matched and very interesting fight.

• Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass, but has not done so since he was a child.

• When Chuck Norris says "More cowbell", he is referring to a Saturday Night Live sketch featuring Christopher Walken and Will Ferrel. Chuck doesn’t really like Jimmy Fallon, who is also in the sketch.

• President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself.” Chuck Norris uses this quote regularly.

• Chuck Norris sometimes wishes he could build a time machine and go back in time to stop the JFK assassination. He then remembers all of the temporal ramifications such a change in history would produce and scraps the plans of his fleeting daydreams.

• Chuck Norris has shed tears over cancer, as his father Ray Norris died shortly after a cancer surgery.

• Chuck Norris does not go hunting because he believes hunting to be a cruel sport.

• Chuck Norris doesn’t get frostbite. He always makes sure his extremities are wrapped up in enough warm clothing.

• Chuck Norris once ate a 54 oz steak in one long sitting. He married his current wife, Gena O’Kelley, two weeks afterwards.

• The credits after Walker: Texas Ranger are a list of the cast and crew from the show, many of whom are friends of Chuck Norris.