The True Tale of How Chuck Norris Saved the Ice Cream Truck

It was a dark, stormy night. Mr Whippy's fleet was asleep in the yard, getting soaked by heavy rain. His flagtruck, the 99, was tucked away under a canopy. As the guard dogs patrolled the yard one of them heard a noise. He left his normal route to investigate and was greeted by a pair of bullets to the head, silenced so the other dogs wouldn't hear. The team moved silently through the trucks, avoiding the others dogs.

This highly trained team had one objective: to steal the 99. They reached the prized van with little effort and got in. The team's leader was Jason Daveson, an ex-US Marine with a taste for blood. His lawless teenage days gave him the experience needed to hotwire a car, or in this case, the world's greatest ice cream truck. Moments later the truck's headlights cut through the dark yard, gaining the attention of the guard dogs.

Daveson put the truck in first gear and took off through the yard. The guard dogs were trained to save the trucks at any cost. As the truck sped through the other ice cream trucks the dogs dove valiantly out in front of it, their bodies sent flying into the upper atmosphere. The team reached the gate and drove straight through it, setting off the alarm. They needed to get from Denver to LA by morning and this was the truck to do it.

Meanwhile, Chuck Norris was asleep in his LA apartment. He was on his second-hand recliner, an empty beer bottle in his hand. His rent was due and he didn't have a dime to pay it with. His TV had been left on when he dozed off and it was just static. Chuck was awoken though when the static changed to the President's emergency broadcast.

"My fellow Americans," spoke the President. "Today our country has suffered a tragedy. The 99 has been hijacked. Do not panic. There will be plentiful iced creams when you all wake this morning. The people who have stolen our snack's flagtruck shall be stopped. There is one man who can do it: Chuck Norris. Chuck, if you're out there, we need your help. America needs your help!"

With that Chuck rose from his seat, brushing the crumbs from his vest and beard. He walked to his window and, quite amazingly, saw the 99 speeding down his block, towards his building. He ran to the roof and waited for the truck to pass by. As it did Chuck leapt forth from the rooftop and landed on the truck.

"What was that?" asked one of the goons in the truck. "It was noth–" another attempted to say, but was stopped when Chuck opened the back door of the truck and pulled him out. As the goon bounced along the hard asphalt road, Chuck threw a grenade at him, causing thousands of goon pieces to bounce along the hard asphalt road.

A fight ensued in the back on the truck. Chuck of course won, killing each of the goons. This is a list of how each was killed:

  • Chuck picked up two ice cream cones and jammed them into the goon's eyes. He then lit him on fire with his Zippo lighter and threw him off a bridge.

  • Chuck covered a goon in chocolate sauce and them threw him off the back of the truck. He tried to hold on but Chuck continued to lubricate him with sauce until he lost his grip. Then Chuck shot him.

  • Chuck stuffed a goon's mouth full of ice cream from the machine until his lungs were filled with the white substance. Then he stabbed him in the face with a combat knife.

  • Chuck crammed a goon into the truck's freezer and locked it. Then he dropped a grenade into the freezer. Then he dropped the freezer into a nearby zoo's lion pit. Then he set the lion pit ablaze. Then he added more lions.

With all the goons dead it was just Chuck versus Daveson. The two battled it out while the truck drove out of control through a mall, hitting all the pretzel stands but missing the hot dog stands. Daveson almost got the better of Chuck, being a dirty mercenary with a name. Chuck, however, was Chuck Norris, so as the 99 crashed into a cotton candy stall he was freed from his enemy's grasp and the two were thrown into the mall's central fountain.

In the shallow water the two fought using several styles of made-up, movie martial arts. Chuck eventually got hold of Daveson and stuffed him full of spare change from the fountain until he couldn't get anymore in. He then broke Daveson's neck and said, "Keep the change ya filthy animal." Chuck stepped out of the fountain and was given a round of applause by the mall's patrons. The President gave Chuck a cheque for his next three month's rent and the 99 was returned to its yard, safe and sound.