Something has been brought to my attention recently, something so amazing I’m shocked that I didn’t come up with it myself. The thing of amazement is a question, a very deep and philosophical hypothetical situation.

What would you be more afraid of, giant Chocolate Digestives taking over the world or giant BNs doing likewise?

Personally I have to go with giant BNs. I am not going to reveal why I’m choosing them, because it involves a terrible childhood trauma that I don’t want to think about or get into in such a public and persistent form. Frankly I can’t see how anyone wouldn’t be more afraid of BNs than Chocolate Digestives. They’re far more frightening for many obvious reasons. Of course, I am slightly biased so I had to go out on the streets of Tokyo to ask a random sample of the population their views.

Superman

Well, I guess I wouldn’t be scared because, as you can see, I’m Superman. So not a giant baked good known to man could harm me… unless they were baked with Kryptonite of course. That’s my single weakness by the way, just in case you didn’t know. So if a giant biscuit was baked with Kryptonite I’d be scared and I’d have to say it’s more likely that a giant BN would be baked with Kryptonite than a giant Chocolate Digestive. Hmm… I wonder what Lex Luthor is up to at the moment?

Red Power Ranger

Well, that’s a very good question. I’d have to answer it with another one though: Would the biscuits be baked giant or would they be normal sized biscuits blown up to giant sizes when Rita Repulsa throws her staff all the way from the moon? Because I know if Rita blew them up she’d choose BN. It’s her style. I know I’d have to call Zordon for Titanus because only the Ultrazord would have a chance to take down a giant chocolate BN biscuit, and that’s if there was only one. Multiple BNs would be far too much and I don’t think I’m going to sleep very soundly tonight.

Blue Power Ranger

I have to disagree. I think Rita would be just as likely to choose Chocolate Digestives, if not more likely. They’d be more efficient at crushing stuff with their disc shape. BNs are far too square to roll properly when our Megazord tosses them through buildings full of innocent people.

Red Power Ranger

Shut the fuck up Billy! You don’t know what you’re talking about! BNs have faces! Rita’s into showmanship! The Megazord could never toss a BN through a building, it doesn’t have the power! There’s a reason that I’m the leader and you’re just the loser nerd!

Blue Power Ranger (Billy)

Don’t use my real name you idiot! We have secret identities for a reason. And she would use Chocolate Digestives, they’re far scarier! They’re scarier because… I’m not getting into it with you, you don’t know anything about science!

Black Power Ranger

Guys, I just realised something. Did Zordon make me the black ranger… because I’m black? What the shit is going on there?

Godzilla

GRWAAAAAAAAAAR!!!

Jackie Chan

I’m actually not Jackie Chan, but I’d definitely be more afraid of giant BNs taking over the world. I mean, they have faces. They can show emotion. That’s scary right there. And just to clarify, I’m not Jackie Chan. I’m just Asian, I’m not an actor and I don’t know any martial arts. Also, unlike the infamous Mr Chan I am well-spoken in English and also several other languages, including Klingon.

Benito Mussolini

GRWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR!!!

Indiana Jones

Baked! Why did it have to be baked!?

Spock

An interesting query. One would have to take into account the density of each biscuit, their layering, the melting points of their chocolate as well as the lactose content of the chocolate, the thickness to diameter ratio of each biscuit and how well their structure holds up when their size increases many dozen times, but I believe it all boils down to one fact: BNs have faces. Though my Vulcan side suppresses its emotion, my human side is frightened and, to use a phrase from 1990s Earth, “Stop, Hammertime.” I believe this is the correct context for that saying. What are your thoughts Jim?

James T Kirk

CHAAAAAAAAN!!! Sorry Spock, but he’s admitted he’s allied with the Klingons! Set phasers to kill!

Samuel L Jackson

We’ve got BNs on this motherfuckin’ plane! No shitty Chocolate Digestive is gonna tell me what to do. That’s exactly what they are anyway, shitty. They’re covered in brown shit, they’re called Digestives! What are you more scared of? Giant motherfuckin’ biscuits with faces, or shit? Do you cower every time you use your bathroom? I don’t think so. Let me tell you something about fear! Years ago I was trapped in an underwater research lab being attacked by highly intelligent sharks and these badass sharks were tearing through us like… [We apologise for cutting this short, but Mr Jackson was killed by a giant BN out of fucking nowhere midsentence!]

Zombie Lincoln

Four score and seven years ago Abraham Lincoln was kicked out of hell due to overcrowding and a mix-up in the accommodation department. It was on this day that Zombie Lincoln was born! I was free to sell my own brand poisoned milk, Uncle Abe’s Goodtime Milk, to the children of the world. I was free to get revenge on Zombie John Wilkes Booth, who was also kicked out of hell for trying to assassinate Satan himself during a production of The Producers starring Adolf Hitler. Zombie Lincoln needs brains! Braaaains! But as for the question, Satan himself told me personally that his plans for the Apocalypse involved an army of giant BNs.

Batman

Well, the BNs would definitely scare me more. That is, if it was possible to scare Batman. I am Batman. The BNs sort of resemble my archnemesis, the Joker. They both smile all the time. They never stop smiling and are always doing bad things, like killing and hurting and robbing and killing. Why do they smile? I am Batman! Why must they smile! Why are they always so happy!? I am Batman!!! …. Sorry about that. I’m just going to nip off to the bathroom for a few moments.

Bruce Wayne

Oh, hello there. I overheard your conversation with Batman, whom I’ve met on many occasions and have been known to be in the same room as, and I have to agree with Batman. The BNs have faces. Constantly smiling faces. That’s gotta scare anyone. They’re just too happy, like the Stay Puff Marshmallow Man when he trashed New York City, or like Christopher Walken in that Fatboy Slim video. They look too happy to be good. That scares me. It doesn’t scare Batman of course, because nothing can scare Batman. I am… Bruce Wayne, nice to meet you.

Darth Vader

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Chuck Norris

Well, Chuck Norris thinks there’s a question you have to ask yourself: What could possibly scare Chuck Norris? Chuck Norris doesn’t fear anything, things fear Chuck Norris. Fear fears Chuck Norris, that’s why it’s such a bastard to other people. It doesn’t matter if giant Chocolate Digestives or giant BNs tried to take over the world, even if they tried together it wouldn’t scare Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris could kick their asses. Chuck Norris!

Well, I think we got our answers from that purely random sampling of the population, with a broad enough variance to cover all demographic groups. The overall vote? BN, as it should be. Not a single vote for Chocolate Digestives. BNs are clearly much scarier to the general public and I can’t see how you could think otherwise. However, now that this question has been answered, a second one arises.

Which would be more frightening, if the BNs were chocolate flavoured or if they were strawberry flavoured?