Coming in at tenth place is the humble hammer. Created at the dawn of time, this amazing tool has been used by nearly everyone who has ever lived. Its many uses include hammering nails and hammering screws that just won't screw in properly. It comes tenth among all tools however because despite how great it is, the hammer took a step in the wrong direction by adding the nail remover to itself. This has been seen as a bad decision by all, as now the hammer is viewed as a slightly more complicated tool than it should.
9. Monkey Wrench
Invented in 1997 by former Nirvana member Dave Grohl, the monkey wrench has risen quickly through the ranks of tool stardom. The monkey wrench has been linked romantically with several stars including Jason Lee, Kevin Spacey and Courtney Love. Beating the hammer in this poll has been a great confidence booster for this newbie of the tool world. The monkey wrench has been quoted as saying it thinks it has a chance at winning next year's poll.
Known as the ninja of the tooling universe, the pliers are calm and clinical about their tasks. Over 50% of the plier population has been jailed for various crimes, mainly murder and assault. Certain theologians have suggested that pliers are born without souls and that this has lead to their species' callous attitude toward pain and their near total lack of moral standards. One interesting fact is that most famous serial killers (Zodiac, Son of Sam, Ed O'Neill) have all had distressing run-ins with pliers in their childhood.
The chainsaw, nature's circular saw, was invented in the Middle Ages by an out-of-work blacksmith. He had found a chainsaw sent back in time from the 20th century with a crazy man and was able to backward engineer a new one, powered by the blood of virgins. Eventually petrol replaced the clean blood and a traumatised college student, who had recently lost his hand and replaced it was a petrol-model chainsaw, was sent back in time and mistaken for a crazy man. In truth, the chainsaw was invented by no man, but rather by a deer that could move through time.
The spanner may be seen to a lot of people as the monkey wrench's less useful cousin and to others as a witty insult, but it is truly a superior tool to those below it. What many people don't know is that the spanner is indestructible. Well, it has but a single weakness: liquid rock. This makes the spanner an excellent component in the construction of a space elevator. Unfortunately there is a severe lack of spanners in the world, mainly because they are being slowly replaced by monkey wrenches. This genocide can only go on for so long. Soon the discarded spanners will rise and take over, topping this list. Until that day, they stay at number six.
5. Electric Drill
The electric drill is a very powerful tool. It can dig holes and screw screws, giving it the nicknames of 'the lazy man's screwdriver' and 'the poor woman's vibrator'. Along with these nicknames, however, comes responsibility. The ownership of a drill is something that takes a lot of effort. The government-written tests are long and painful, taking away several months of a potential owner's life. Drill owners are forbidden to use their drills outside of their designated timeslot, which is normally one or two hours a week, depending on how they faired in the exams.
The only friend a murderer needs, the shovel has become an icon among the killers of the world. Whether pre-meditated or completely accidental, the shovel has helped many, many people get away with murder. Thanks to special groundbreaking technology the shovel allows people to dig holes and put dead bodies in them. This alone is reason enough for such a high place on the list, but shovels are also great murder weapons. A simple whack to the head and the target's down. A few more, just to make sure, then hey-diddle-diddle the guy's buried.
3. Flathead Screwdriver
Coming in for the bronze is the Flathead screwdriver, the hammerhead shark of screw driving technology. It was originally designed for making notches in posts of wood but its inventor, Dr Chester Flathead, saw what the full potential of the device was. In 1967 Dr Flathead was to use his screwdriver to screw the world's billionth screw, but the event went awry, as you will later see. After Dr Flathead's death the planned superscrewdriver was taken out of production and the prototype destroyed by a freak blizzard in Austin, Texas.
2. Swiss Army Knife
The best tool available today, some may say, and they may be right, but it still doesn't get the Swiss Army knife past position number two. Different models of the knife come with different tools, but the most important of all are the following:
- The tweezers: for those ingrown facial hairs.
- The toothpick: for that piece of popcorn you just can't get at.
- The Phillips-head screwdriver: see below.
- The spring-loaded scissors: for planting a cunning trap to catch a hare.
- The corkscrew: because you never know when you'll come across a bottle of red.
1. Phillips-Head Screwdriver
This king of tools, god of devices if you will, has topped Steve Higginson's list of tools for one reason and one reason only: the events of the 1967 billionth screwing. Just as Dr Flathead was about to screw in the world's billionth screw he was struck by lightning. The powerful surge killed Dr Flathead but it did something to his screwdriver. It changed it into a Phillips-head. Most of Middle America, Scotland and Ireland's west coast saw this as a sign from God and converted all their tools to the new holy Phillips-head design. With its power over certain groups of Christians the Phillips-head screwdriver has the authority to be Steve Higginson's number one tool.