Steve Higginson's Top Ten Fruit

10. Apple

The apple, known to the French as the potato of the ground (or something like that), was just barely able to scrape its way into the top ten. Its inclusion in prawn cocktails was what knocked it up a notch above the other, lower fruit. Invented in 1845 by Nicole Appleton, the apple has grown from a remedy from rabies to a popular snack food. It won fruit of the year in 1944, after several brave platoons of apples gave their lives on the beaches of Normandy.

9. Peach

The peach was originally higher on the list but was knocked down severely due to political concerns. This fruit was made famous in the mid-nineties by the Presidents of the United States of America: Bill Clinton, George Bush Sr, Jimmy Carter and Gerald Ford. Former president Carter has been quoted as saying "I like peaches." Contrary to popular belief the peach was not involved in the recent Janet Jackson breast scandal.

8. Starfruit

The starfruit, or guolgan, is one of the most powerful substances known to man. When bombarded with a stream of tachyons a starfruit will start a chain reaction of nuclear fission in its core, which emits as much power as three suns. When in its powered state it is, of course, inadvisable to eat the delicious fruit. This mistake was made by the cast of Jackass in 2003 and lead to the deaths of 3 cast members, 5 crew members and most of Bam Margera's wang.

7. Watermelon

The watermelon, also known as nature's camel hump, has played an important part in the history of man. When Jesus was trapped in the desert for forty days and thirty nights he lived off watermelons from a conviently placed grove. Since the fruit is 106% water and only 3% seed a single watermelon can keep an average man alive for 3 years, give or take a week. The watermelon almost became extinct in the 1960s when US research scientists tried to harness the seeds as a defence against so called "hippies".

6. The Citrus Fruits

The orange, lemon, lime and all the rest of the citrus family have been grouped together on the list, purely to give it a higher place (They found a loophole or something, you know how pesky those citrus fruits can be). What this family of fruit have in common is their acidic juice, with a pH of -34.2, strong enough to really sting if you got some pulp in your eye. Luckily all citrus fruits have been genetically modified to prevent squirtage while being cut, even though it did reduce overall tastiness by 4%.

5. Tomato

Many people may consider the tomato to be a vegetable, but they are idiots. The tomato is a jack-of-all-trades fruit, with some tomatoes being able to master skills as complicated as carpentry or shoelace tying. The pronunciation of the fruit's name is a bit of a grey area, causing many wars to be fought across the galaxy. Currently there are two accepted ways of saying tomato, with a third archaic pronunciation that pretty much died out with its faction in the battle of Ceti Zeta IV.

4. Uglifruit

The uglifruit, also known as the skankifruit, mankifruit or fuglifruit, is famed for being not only the worst looking food on the planet, but also the worst tasting. You may wonder how it was able to make fourth on the list. The answer is quite simple: Uglifruit is one of the world's foremost devices of torture. Its use is banned under the UN Charter of Human Rights, but it is still used in many African countries to gather information from captured enemies.

3. Banana

The banana is most definitely the world's third best fruit. A little known fact about the banana is that is technically not a fruit, but a type of small mammal, rendering most vegetarians hypocrites. The amount of potassium contained within one banana plantation is sufficient to destroy the ice moon Europa. The sad story, however, is that the banana is a dying race. For the past 19 years a brutal civil war has been fought between several groups of bananas and there are no new bananas to take their place.

2. Mango

The mango was cheated of the number one spot due to a legal technicality. The fruit is not actually originally from Earth but was brought here in 1912 by famous space explorer James Woods. The species adapted quickly to its new home and became one of the best selling fruits of all time and was Time magazine’s Fruit of the Year 7 years running from 1983 to 1990. Bankruptcy hit the fruit in the mid-nineties and tax problems are what have kept it from reaching the top spot.

1. Strawberry

The strawberry has been chosen as Steve Higginson’s number one fruit. The origins of the delicious, delicious strawberry are shrouded in mystery. Though many conspiracy theorists believe its existence disproves the existence of Martin Luther King Jr this has been disproved several times. It is said that if a monkey were to eat 12 whole strawberries in a single sitting he would ascend to a higher plane of existence. This has never been tested due to fear of monkeys with lightning power but it is reason enough to give it the title of Number One Fruit!