A Man Walks into a Bar

Terry the barman stood behind his mighty bar filling the dishwasher with glasses. A man walked into the pub. His name was Edward. Edward approached the bar. Terry finished putting the dirty glasses into their cleaning machine and acknowledged Edward’s presence.

“Can I get a pint of Heineken, please?” Edward asked.

Terry nodded and grabbed a clean pint glass. He put it under the Heineken tap and pulled the lever to begin the flow of lager. Terry stared off towards a painting hanging at the other side of the pub while Edward watched carefully his golden liquid flowing into the glass.

“That’ll be four sixty,” Terry told Edward as he put the pint down in front of him.

Edward handed the barman a ten euro note. Terry turned and went to the bar’s till. He entered the price of the beverage and then the amount of cash tendered to him. The till calculated the change required, which Terry procured from the drawer. He turned to give his customer his change.

“Five twen…” Terry said, trailing off.

Edward was not there anymore – well, he was actually there; he just didn’t look the same as when he entered the pub, thus Terry assumed the entity in question not to be Edward.

“Thanks,” Edward said.

Edward was, upon entering the pub, a one point eight metre tall gentleman, wearing black trousers, a white shirt, a red waistcoat, a black jacket and a black bowler hat that seemed ever so slightly too small for his head.

“Who are you?” Terry asked.

Edward was now, however, a fully grown unicorn, neon green in colour and with a half metre long alicorn (or horn, to use the layman’s term). Terry was very confused by this talking, mythical creature in his establishment. The other four customers, all men over the age of seventy, didn’t seem to notice the unicorn sitting at the bar drinking a pint of Heineken.

“My name is Edward,” the bright unicorn said.

“Are you a unicorn?” Terry asked.

Terry was fairly certain he was going insane. There was a fabled beast at his bar that nobody else noticed. No other explanation made sense – except, perhaps, if there was a gas leak causing him to hallucinate.

“Why yes, I am,” Edward replied.

“But you were a human when you walked in here?” Terry asked in his very confused state.

“I guess I was.”

Terry stopped talking and just stared at Edward. Another man walked into the pub. His name was Kenneth. He sat down to the left of Edward, not reacting at all to his being a unicorn.

“Can I have a pint of Bulmers?” Kenneth asked.

“Eh – sure, sure. Sorry.” Terry said, while still looking at Edward.

Terry started to pour the pint of cider into a clean glass. One of the old men in the pub, Charles, got up from his corner table and walked up to the bar. He started talking to Edward.

“Hello,” Charles said. “I’m Charles.”

“Hi, I’m Edward,” the unicorn replied.

“So, what do you do with yourself then?” Charles asked.

“Ah, I’m a lawyer.”

“Really?” Charles said surprised, “I was a lawyer too, until I retired three years ago.”

Terry was very confused. His regular was conversing with this unicorn like he was a normal person. Kenneth’s pint was starting to overflow. Terry noticed and rectified to problem, then gave the drink to Kenneth. Charles walked over to Kenneth and began to talk to him.

“So, what do you do then?” he asked.

“Well bits and bobs,” Kenneth replied, taking a sip of his drink. “Mostly, I deal in ivory.”

Edward choked on his Heineken when he heard this.

“Really?” Charles said, “John over there used to be an ivory dealer too!”

Edward stood up and tried to slowly leave the pub.

“Where are you going, stranger?” Kenneth asked.

“I must get back to work,” Edward said. “I’ve got a big case to work on.”

“I’ve got a big case too,” Kenneth said, picking up a briefcase and putting on the bar.

He opened the case and turned it towards Edward. It was filled with various killing and cutting implements. Kenneth smiled at him. Edward turned and ran towards the door. As he ran past John though the old man put his leg out and Edward crashed to the ground.

Kenneth jumped up from his bar stool and straddled Edward. He took one of his knives and slit Edward’s throat open. The unicorn gasped as blood spewed forth from his neck before dying from the wound. Kenneth then took a saw and got to work on Edward’s alicorn.

“That’ll get you a good price on the market,” John said.

“Thanks for stopping him,” Kenneth replied. “I’ll get you a drink, what are you having?”

Kenneth finished removing the alicorn and looked towards the bar. Terry was gone though – well, he wasn’t actually gone. He had just turned into a cloud of pure insanity, which as we all know is completely transparent.

Charles said, “Well, I guess that’s the way the cookie crumbles!” Everyone in the bar erupted with laughter.