Ice Cream! I'm All Out of Ice Cream!

Rory was a commercial helicopter pilot and quite a successful one. He spent his days going up and down in that helicopter, flying over the city. He loved the view. He loved the way that everything seemed so tiny when he was up in his helicopter. He loved that he could go wherever he wanted. He loved watching the traffic stuck at a standstill, laughing at the foolish drivers who spent two hours travelling a distance that would take him only five minutes.

But what Rory really liked were the children. No, not in that way. He saw all the children playing in the fields. They’d get off school and go out in the sun to play football and rugby and badminton. They’d see the ice cream van pull up and they’d all run over to get ice cream from the ice cream man. Ice cream. That’s where Rory wanted to be. He wanted to be the world’s best ice cream man.

Rory thought about quitting a lot. He wanted to be the one to give those children joy. He wanted to sell them Magnums and Loop-the-loops and 99s with whole Flakes, not half ones like those scabby ice cream men usually do. He wanted to see the looks of happiness on the children’s faces while they ate their ice cream. He wanted to play the best damn music ever, so the children would know that the world’s best ice cream man was coming.

Rory liked his helicopter though. It was an easy job. It paid very well. He wanted to do both, but he certainly didn’t have the time. He also didn’t want to have to drive around in his ice cream van and be stuck in traffic for hours. He was torn, but one day he came up with a plan.

As Rory was taking a shower, he slipped on a small piece of soap that had broken off from the main bar in his hand. He didn’t fall backwards into the bath though. He fell through the shower curtain, which ripped off of its bar. He tumbled out the open door of the bathroom, wrapped up in the shower curtain and then he fell down the stairs.

Several hours later his wife came home and found his bloody, shower curtain wrapped body at the foot of the stairs. After several months in a coma Rory awoke and knew what he had to do. He eventually got back on his feet and out of hospital. He went to his nearest wholesalers and bought several boxes of ice creams and a commercial freezer.

He loaded the freezer with the ice cream and then put the freezer into his helicopter. He was going to be the best damn ice cream man ever. He was going to give the kids as much ice cream as they wanted and all of it for free. He took off just as the schools closed and headed for the nearest park.

He blasted Nena’s ’99 Red Balloons’ out of the helicopter as a warning to the children that he was coming. He hovered over the park and started to throw the Cornettos he bought out of the helicopter: Original, Strawberry, Mint and even those weird limited edition ones. He threw them all out for the kids.

What he had failed to consider, however, was that Cornettos are quite a sharp ice cream and that he was quite high up. The pointy iced goods fell from the sky like meteorites. The kids all tried to run for cover, but many were hit. Dozens of children were killed from Cornettos being lodged in their heads. It was a tragedy.

Brain freeze.