I Predict a Riot

Today I'm here to talk to you about the real dangers of something everyone uses everyday: the biro. This innocent little piece of technology is one of the most dangerous objects lying around your house. More dangerous than your knives, your razors, your scissors and your deadly biological agents put together. Unfortunately the powerful men at Bic have been keeping the truth hidden from the public – until now. But before I start I must ask that if this is my last article you must go out to the supermarket and buy a mint Cornetto in my honour. It's the least you could do.

Let's start off with what lies inside you pen: the ink. I'm sure everyone has, at one stage or another, got ink on themselves while using a biro. That's fine, a little bit of soap will take that off (don't get me started on soap!) and everything's dandy. But what you don't know is how deadly that ink is before it comes out of the nib of the pen. Biro ink has a pH of over 38. If one was to get the untreated ink on themselves (remember, the ink sitting in the little plastic tube is untreated, that's how dangerous this is!) they would need car battery acid to neutralise the highly basic substance. Ouch.

How does this ink become safe you ask? Well, you shouldn't have, because this is even more frightening than the ink itself. Within the head of the pen lies a very small but very powerful nuclear fission reactor. It powers the process used to make the ink safe for writing. The small amounts of nuclear waste it produces are pumped out in the ink, onto your paper or worse, onto your skin. Not only is there the danger of cancer from the radioactivity but the reactor itself is very fragile and could explode with enough force to demolish your entire home. Think about that next time you accidentally drop a biro.

That's not the end of it, however. The most dangerous pen you can own is the Bic Medium. The Bic Company took measures to remove the dangerous nuclear waste materials from entering the ink. How did they do this? Well, they simply added a quantum singularity to the nib of the pen. That's right, inside the nib of every Bic Medium biro lies a black hole that absorbs all of the radioactive material coming out of the fission reactor. And you thought it was worth the thirty cents you paid for it.

Finally one of the most dangerous things about the biro is that the sharp nib can be used to stab people with. OK, so you can do that with other things too, but it's still another thing against the biro in this list of offences. So you just have to ask yourself, how many biros do you have lying around in your home? Even wasted ones still have fissionable materials and black holes inside them. One of these days they're going to hurt you or someone you love. You have been warned.