Today I'm going to teach you how to make your own birdfeeder! Now, I know what you're thinking and I'm going to use that to my advantage, which is why my first tip is never play me in poker. The birdfeeder on the other hand, is a very useful thing indeed. You can use it to feed wild birds who will eventually come to see you as their master and provider. They will be fateful to you and your cause and one day, if you need it, they will serve you in the final battle for control of the world. But until that day, here's a list of ingredients for the birdfeeder:

• One pine cone
• One jar of peanut butter
• Eighty-three grains of bird seed
• One knife to spread peanut butter
• One length of string
• One tree
• Two arms
• One wooden chopping board, suitable for raw meat
• One human nervous system
• One pint of virgin blood
• Two friends
• Eight strangers
• Two VHS tapes each with the same episode of Star Trek Deep Space Nine
• An oversized novelty Canadian dollar bill

Take the pine cone with your arm, controlled by your nervous system, and remove the lid of the peanut butter jar with your other arm. Dip the knife into the jar and spread the acquired amount of peanut butter over the surface of the pine cone. The ridges of the cone should be sufficient to latch on to the gooey peanuty goodness for the consumption of birds at a later date. Apply several more dollops of peanut butter in a similar fashion to the pine cone. This has been stage one. Set aside the peanut butter pine cone to dry on your wooden board and proceed to stage two.

Take your pre-prepared pint of virgin blood and two of your friends. Place the two Star Trek tapes in the middle of a field and pour the blood over them. Await the arrival of a stranger. If he passes within ten metres of the tapes you and your two friends must assault him and tie him up. Do this a further seven times and you will have completed stage two. You are doing well and now must transport the eight captive strangers back to you home for stage three.

Using your peanut butter knife you must cut the fingers and toes off of each of the strangers on your wooden chopping board. Let the peanut butter covered pine cone soak in the blood and marinade in the screams of the injured strangers. Once all digits have been removed you can do whatever you like with them, give them to some homeless people or something. If they're anything like me they'd love some drained fingers to nibble on.

Stage four involves dumping the bleeding bodies of your captive strangers into your neighbour’s garden. At this stage your two friends will leave and make it seem as though it was the neighbour who attacked and violated the victims as you prepare your birdfeeder to feed birds. Find your tree and tie up the length of string, making sure it hangs at least two metres off the ground so none of the lesser flightless birds, such as the kiwi, can get to it.

Stage five is where your Canadian bill comes into place. Use it to give yourself a bad paper cut. Rub the cut up and down the length of string until it is soaked with your blood. Once that is done discard of the bill in whatever the most fun manner you can conceive is. Personally I like to soak it in 80% Austrian spirits then set it alight as I hold it over the cot of a three month old baby boy, but whatever way you choose is fine.

The final stage, also known as stage six, is where you spread all of your bird seed out on the wooden chopping board. Rub the pine cone across the board until it has got all eighty-three seeds stuck to it. Then tie the top of the pine cone to the string and watch all the happy birds fly along and eat out of it. It's a great thing to do for the bird community and they will always be at your window in the morning, singing you a cheerful song. Next time I'll teach you how to make them a bird bath!