He's Dead Jim

Some people are blessed with certain gifts. Superman has the ability to fly. Larry David has the ability to create the most awkward situations possible. Drew Carey has the power to be a terrible comedian. Some people have two gifts like having superhuman smell and being able to only smell celebrities, or having the ability to remember anything and being able only to remember celebrities. For some reason all these double gifts involve celebrities. Mine is no different I can predict when and how someone is going to die, but only celebrities.

  • Famed actress Lindsey Lohan will die in 2018 in a tragic plane crash over Texas. Her body will never be recovered.

  • Mark-Paul Gosselaar, known as Saved by the Bell's Zack Morris, will commit suicide in 2008 after growing increasingly tired of people thinking he'd already died from a drug overdose.

  • Tom Hanks will die in 2103 when his frozen body is stolen by followers of the recent fundamentalist Christian group known as Gumpans. Their ban on unholy artificial cooling leads to Hanks' death.

  • George Foreman will accidentally kill himself in a 2011 publicity stunt to advertise his new walk-in grill. His well done corpse will be auctioned off on eBay to several people, many more received fake, cooked body parts from lesser celebrities like Carrot Top and Jimmy Fallon.

  • Jerry Seinfeld will fall to his death on a trip to the Grand Canyon in 2023 when a nearby tourist asks him what the deal with canyons is. In an attempt to maul the face of the annoying halfwit Jerry slips on a scorpion and falls off a cliff.

  • Kiefer Sutherland is killed accidentally on the set of 24's 15th season in 2015 when Fox Studios are infiltrated by a moderate Muslim group tired of the show's portrayal of their people as terrorists. A security guard mistakes Kiefer for one of the non-violent infiltrators and shoots him.

  • Frankie Muniz will die in 2018 near the wreckage of a plane crash in Texas from exhaustion. His body is never found, grasping onto the corpse of Lindsey Lohan.

  • John Travolta will die in 1984 after a time travel accident sends him 50 years into the past. Since the 300 story Hawking Tower is not built in 1984 Travolta falls towards the hard London street, wishing he'd never made Phenomenon.

  • Hilary Clinton, 44th president of the USA, dies of old age in 2712 when her supply of tasty virgin blood is cut short by a world-wide sexing.

  • Billy Corgan will take his own life in 2035 for reasons left unknown to the public. His family believe that he was simply trying to create a new hairstyle between long and bald but his body couldn't take it and shut down.

  • Mr T will be killed defending the planet in 2027 from alien invaders. David Hasselhoff, Chuck Norris and Richard Dean Anderson save the planet and give a memorial service for the previously sole surviving A-Team cast member.

  • Ted Danson will be killed in a bar fight in late 2006. His wife Mary Steenbergen is at first suspected but cleared when police realise they don't like Ted Danson.

  • A selection of chocolates is sent to the residence of Tom Jones in 2013, one of which contains both deadly poison and a small explosive. Tom passes them on to his good friend Susan Sarandon, who gives one to her husband Tim Robbins. Sarandon is killed by a fragment of Robbins' exploding skull while Robbins miraculously survives.

  • Tom Jones overdoses on pills in his prison cell in 2014, days prior to his execution for the murder of Susan Saradon.

  • Pauly Shore is murdered in 2018 by Frankie Muniz when the two fight to the death over Lindsey Lohan's corpse. When Shore's body is found authorities assume he stowed away, not being able to afford a ticket.

  • Jennifer Connolly will not die until the expanding red giant our sun becomes in 5 billion years engulfs the entire planet. Even then it takes a few days for it to take effect.

  • David Blaine will suffer a firmware error in 2061 and will be scrapped to create the Second Coming of Jesusbot.

  • Elvis Presley will die in 2013 during his comeback concert. An angry Elvis Costello shoots him.

  • It will be discovered in 2009 that William Shatner died in late 1998 and for the last 11 years his charisma has remained, walking the Earth and releasing new albums.