Operator: 999, what is the emergency?
Caller: I can’t find my cat.
Operator: Sorry?
Caller: I can’t find my cat anywhere in the house. I’ve looked everywhere.
Operator: Ma’am, why did you call 999 over your missing cat?
Caller: I want the police to come and find her for me.
Operator: Ma’am, I’m afraid I can’t send a Garda over to look for your cat.
Caller: Why not? You send them out to find criminals all the time! My cat isn’t important because she hasn’t committed any crimes?
Operator: Ma’am, I’m…
Caller: Well, except that one time. Would you find my cat if I told you about the crime she committed?
Operator: How did your cat commit a crime?
Caller: Well, I had my neighbour’s daughter tied up in my attic. I left the Stira open while I was up there telling her to stay away from my good little boy when the cat ran up the attic access system, as seen on the Late Late Show, and jumped on my back.
Operator: You… you what?
Caller: The cat jumped on my back! My hand slipped and the gun fired. My little kitty killed that heathen.
Operator: …
Caller: So, will you send a guard over to help me find my cat?
Operator: …
Caller: Hello?
Operator: Sorry, ma’am. A Garda will be over shortly to assist you.
Caller: You’re not going to arrest my baby are you? She’s only a cat. She didn’t know what she was doing!
Operator: Don’t worry, the cat will be fine.
Caller: Thank you.

Operator: 999, what is the emergency?
Caller: Hey, Gerry. It’s Paul. Listen, are you going to Sandra’s thing tonight?
Operator: Sorry sir, you seem to have misdialled.
Caller: Really? Is this 999?
Operator: Yes it is.
Caller: Well then I haven’t, could you get Gerry for me?
Operator: Sir, this is an emergency number.
Caller: I know, Gerry gave it to me in case I needed to contact him in an emergency.
Operator: Well what is the emergency then?
Caller: I need to know if Jenny will be at Sandra’s party tonight.
Operator: Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to hang up. You obviously have been hoaxed. Now, I’m not going to report this.
Caller: Fuck off, this is Gerry isn’t it? Nice try trying to conceal your voice.
Operator: I assure you, I am not Gerry. This is an emergency number. Please do not call again.
Caller: Gerry! For fuck sake, why won’t you just tell me if she’ll be there! You know I can’t see her after what happened last time.
Operator: Goodbye, sir.
Caller: No, fuck you, Gerry! Fuck – You!
Operator: Ah, fuck you too buddy.

Operator: 999, what is the emergency?
Caller: What emergency?
Operator: You dialled 999. Do you have an emergency to report?
Caller: No. What’s going on? Is something happening? Is the city under attack?
Operator: No, sir. You called us. Do you wish to report an emergency?
Caller: What emergency? Why isn’t this on the news? Why are you telling me?
Operator: Sir…
Caller: Seriously, what’s going on? Do I need to go down to my shelter?
Operator: Sir…
Caller: My… my wife’s still at work. There’s no way she’ll be back in time. I – I’m going to lose her.
Operator: Sir, listen to me… actually, yes there is an emergency.
Caller: Well why aren’t you telling me what it is!?
Operator: The city is under attack from the zombies. The entire business district is already down. They’re slowly moving out into the suburbs.
Caller: Oh God… my wife. She’s – No!
Operator: I’m afraid so. You’re going to have go down to your shelter. Lock yourself in and ration your supplies as best you can. The zombie problem could last for months.
Caller: When will I know it’s safe to come out?
Operator: Bring your phone. I’ll tell you.
Caller: Thank you. Thank you so much.
Operator: You’re welcome. Now go! You may be humanity’s last hope!
Caller: What about you?
Operator: Well… I’m a zombie.
Caller: …
Operator: Hello?
*dial tone*

Operator: 999, what is the emergency?
Caller: Is your refrigerator running?
Operator: Em… yes, I assume so.
Caller: Well, you better catch it! *hysterical laughter*
Operator: Very funny, John.
Caller: … What? How do you know my name?
Operator: This is 999. We know exactly who you are. We control the country.
Caller: No you don’t, you just take emergency calls.
Operator: You’d think that John, wouldn’t you? Let’s see how you like it when the joke’s on you, so to say.
Caller: What? No, please don’t send anyone over. It was a stupid joke. Seriously, no harm done.
Operator: Oh, I’m afraid harm has most definitely been done.
Caller: To whom?
Operator: To you.
Caller: What?
Operator: I’ve reprogrammed your fridge. It is now cooling its contents towards absolute zero. Of course, that is impossible, but the lower the temperature inside the higher amount of heat the heat pump will blast out into your house.
Caller: Bullshit!
Operator: I’m afraid it’s true, I simply opened a socket to your fridge’s subnet and downloaded a machine coded binary matrix tree into its main subroutine handler. Trying to pull the plug will electrocute you. I’ve also locked all of your doors. You’re doomed.
Caller: You can’t fucking do this! This is murder.
Operator: I’m afraid it’s not. Use your remaining minutes of life to research the arcane laws of emergency service operators. Nothing I do is illegal.
Caller: No way that’s true.
Operator: Yes it is. In fact, once you’re dead I’m going to have sex with your mother. How does that sound.
Caller: Fuck this, I’m getting some yoghurt!

Operator: 999, what is the emergency.
Caller: Yeah, I’ll have a medium pepperoni and a box of wedges with spicy dip.
Operator: Ma’am, this is an emergency line. Do you have an emergency to report?
Caller: What?
Operator: This is 999.
Caller: Oh God, I’m so sorry. I went to my last dialled number; I thought it was Domino’s.
Operator: No problem, ma’am.
Caller: I’m so sorry. Goodbye

Operator: 999, what is the emergency.
Caller: Yeah, I’d like a medium pepperoni pizza with a side of wedges and eh – a garlic dip.
Operator: Ma’am, you’ve dialled 999 again.
Caller: Sorry?
Operator: I was just speaking to you.
Caller: But, I used my Domino’s speed dial.
Operator: Someone must have changed it. Why do you have Domino’s on speed dial.
Caller: It doesn’t matter. Sorry again. I’ll enter the number manually.

Operator: 999, what is the emergency.
Caller: Hi, can I get a medium pepperoni—
Operator: Ma’am, me again.
Caller: Damn it! I swear I entered the right number! What the hell is wrong with my phone?
Operator: Maybe you should try to use a different phone to order your pizza.
Caller: I guess.
Operator: Goodbye.

Domino’s: Domino’s pizza, can I take your order.
Caller: Help! My house is on fire! I threw my phone at the wall in anger and I don’t know what happened but everything’s burning! Please send a fire truck!
Domino’s: Sorry, I didn’t quite catch that last part. Do you want a dip with your wedges?
Caller: For Christ’s sake help me! I can’t find my daughter!
Domino’s: Well, there’s garlic, spicy and a new curry variety.
Caller: Oh God, the ceiling’s—
*dial tone*
Domino’s: Hello?

Operator: 999, what is the emergency?
Caller: What time is it?
Operator: Sorry?
Caller: My watch stopped. I need to know what time it is.
Operator: Sir, this is for emergencies only.
Caller: Damn it, this is an emergency! How am I going to know when my bus is coming if I don’t know the time?
Operator: Sir, I believe Eircom offer a talking clock service, free of charge. Now, if you wouldn’t mind getting off the line.
Caller: No. No. Let’s say I’m in the wrong here. Let’s say I shouldn’t have called you looking for the time.
Operator: That’s because you shouldn’t have.
Caller: Don’t mind that. You want me to free up the line, so why don’t you just tell me the time?
Operator: It is not my job. I have to handle emergencies.
Caller: But you obviously know what time it is, it’s critical to your job is it not?
Operator: Yes, I have a clock in front of me.
Caller: So just tell me the time!
Operator: No.
Caller: Why not?
Operator: It’s not my job!
Caller: Just tell me the time!
Operator: No, call the talking clock.
Caller: You’re doing this out of spite, aren’t you?
Operator: Yes, yes I am. Now fuck off!
*dial tone*
Caller: Bitch.

Operator: 999, what is the emergency?
Caller: Knock, knock.
Operator: …Who’s there?
Caller: Hyde.
Operator: Hyde who?
Caller: Hiding from the seven foot tall maniac stalking around my house with a meat cleaver who just murdered my husband. Send the fucking guards already!
Operator: Of course, someone’s on their way right now. Why did you report the emergency in the form of a joke?
Caller: Well, I figured I was going to die, so I might as well give someone a funny story to tell.
Operator: It isn’t really a funny story if your husband died and you’re in mortal danger.
Caller: Well, I’ve a sick sense of humour; it’s why—Jesus fucking Christ an axe in the back! I’m—I’m dead. Funny.
*dial tone*
Operator: … He-he.

Operator: 999, what is the emergency?
Caller: 999, what is the emergency?
Operator: Hello? I think I’m getting some feedback…
Caller: Hello? I think I’m getting some feedback.
Operator: This is an emergency line, please hang up.
Caller: This is an emergency line, please hang up.
Operator: … 999 operators are the coolest.
Caller: 999 operators are the jerkest.
Operator: Ha, you didn’t repeat me!
Caller: Ha, you didn’t repeat me!
Operator: I’m a big idiot!
Caller: Yes. Yes you are. You’re wasting time trying to catch me out instead of hanging up. You’re fired.
Operator: What?
Caller: I’m your new supervisor. Well, not anymore I guess.
Operator: But… you can’t fire me!
Caller: Why’s that?
Operator: I’m dead!
*dial tone*
Caller: What? Right, I’m coming around to your cubicle. I swear to god if I find a zombie there I’m not giving you a good reference.