Madam — The news that the Web Summit will no longer be held in Dublin came as a shock to few. Commentary surrounding the news has focused on issues with Ireland's infrastructure and particularly with the wireless network facilities of the RDS. This is, frankly, utter bullshit. We only have to take a small step back and look at the country as a whole to understand the real reason the event is leaving our shores: our land is overrun with vampires.
Why do Irish people have such a hard time talking about this? Our day to day lives are fraught with the inconveniences of avoiding the blood-sucking monsters and yet we act like this is how things work the world over. Most places have climates that are simply abhorrent to vampires and those that do not generally follow the Nordic model ie everybody in society has a stake. Lisbon has an avampiric climate, which is perfect for an international conference that doesn't want to compensate speakers for vampire-related losses such as their lives or souls.
This current Fine Gael/Labour government has done nothing to change the institutional problems in the public sector, previously attributed to Fianna Fáil policy, that has let vampires roam unchecked for so long that a living human hasn't stepped foot in Tuam for close to a decade. Labour used to be strong supporters of the vampire slaying movement, but they've since abandoned their roots for a taste of power. This is at a time when those providing much needed supplies, like garlic, are being jailed and branded as smugglers.
The Web Summit PR line is that Ireland's infrastructure isn't good enough for their growing needs. Outlets are happy to toe this for them because of the aforementioned aversion to discussing the undead. The conference does not want to reveal the true intentions behind the move for fear of offending the vampires themselves, some of whom provide much needed capital for the start-up industry ie Angel investors. — Yours, etc,