Sense will not be made today as you are told the story of Jimmy the card. He was black. A spade to be precise. He wore the number three, with three black spades on his front. His back was a diamond-like pattern of a red variety. The one thing that was wrong with Jimmy’s life was that Frank Black of the Pixies was trying to eat him. He wished for death but as long as Frank tried to eat him he was doomed to eternal life. He was almost captured a week before the events of this story but was able to get away by throwing his ex-wife at Mr Thompson.
Now, this story takes place on a Tuesday. The Tuesday before last to be precise. Its location is unknown to anyone and everyone. Or maybe just one of them, I can’t really remember. What was really unfortunate was that Jimmy had only three days left until retirement from the deck. He was going to miss his buddies but it was his time to go. He was starting to develop marks that could identify him from behind. He had to leave for the good of the deck.
He got all of his stuff and threw it in the back of his pick-up. He had a big grin on his face but it was all show. He was really sad and scared that he would soon be eaten. Now that he had left the deck he was out of luck – quite literally. All of his luck was in the other cards. Some sort of collective thing. He turned on his radio to listen to Beck. He loved Beck but wished to be able to find the wizard’s castle where he would find the solution to all of his problems.
He drove all over the place: Dublin, Tyrone, California, Mars, Kells. Nothing. No matter how hard he looked he couldn‘t find the castle. His eyes started to hurt from looking so much. He suspected he may have had myopia and was now aggravating it with all the looking far away. He decided to invest in some new glasses and so went into Specsavers. There he met John, the founder of International Card Glasses Ltd. He was given a prescription and fancy pair of glasses.
Just as he was about to leave Frank Black entered. He picked up Jimmy and ate him. Jimmy suffered pain for hours and hours. First being chewed up by Michael and then entering the stomach of Francis, where he was digested for 1,000 years, like in Star Wars Episode VI. This was enough time for Jimmy to think back to his life and figure out that none of it happened.
He wasn’t a card. He wasn’t a spade. He wasn’t black. He was just a simple school caretaker who had been sitting in a small room filled with fumes from paint thinner. He was trying to kill himself. He had to. His life was a mess. It was so bad that he fantasised about being a card. He would have liked to be anything other than himself but Frank Black had to come along and ruin his fantasy. Jimmy wasn’t having any of it.
He got up and left the room. He went to the airport and flew out to LA. He was going to have his revenge against Frank Black. Once there he found nothing but stew, as far as the eye could see. He didn’t understand what had happened. Then the enemy showed up – Dave Matthews. Jimmy took out his handgun and pointed it at Dave. Dave looked at him and smiled. Jimmy smiled back and dived into the stew.
He feasted for hours on the chunky broth until he could eat no more. He stopped and found a big lead pipe. He went up to Dave Matthews and beat him to death with it. After he finished eating the remains of Dave Matthews Jimmy flew up into the upper atmosphere. He took out his gun and started shooting at the clouds. The clouds returned fire – with fire. Jimmy was set alight but took a grenade out of his pocket. He blew up the entire Earth with it.
Jimmy awoke. He wasn’t a card. He wasn’t a caretaker. He was in a coma and he had finally woke. He looked to his right where he saw Frank Black, Dave Matthews and Beck. He looked to his left and saw a vase filled with roses. He screamed and screamed for hours until he passed out. He eventually awoke again. The room was empty. He got out of bed and went to the window. He picked up the vase and jumped out with it in hand.
Jimmy landed on Frank Black’s car. Beck had to give him a lift home. The vase landed on Dave Matthews’ tour bus. It scratched the paint a bit.