Pepsi-Cola is a cola flavoured soft drink that is, as suggested by their hefty ‘50% Extra Free’ bottles, best served chilled. Of course, they never specify what chilled is. Is it just a few degrees below room temperature? Body temperature? Perhaps it means below freezing, perhaps even absolute zero. Of course, if they said that the Coca Cola Company would advise all to chill their products to a few degrees below absolute zero and before you know we’ll have a second round of cola wars, this time with negative mass.

The ingredients of Pepsi-Cola are many. Carbonated water is one. This would be water infused with the all-powerful power of carbon dioxide. Without this crucial ingredient the cola could die before the customer has a chance to drink it. Everyone knows that fizzy taste is caused by the cola organisms, which thrive on carbon dioxide, struggling to escape, trying to claw their way back up the throat and the sides of the stomach. (People claim that the cola organisms are intelligent, but they’re all murdered by the Coca Cola Company.)

Pepsi-Cola also contains colour (caramel E150d). Without this crucial ingredient the cola would not only be invisible, it would be thrown out of phase with our own reality, meaning nobody can drink it. This caramel E150d gives the cola its thick, syrupy texture. In the United States they only use color, rather than colour, in their Pepsi-Cola, which makes the cola thinner and slightly less attractive to cola fanciers.

Another ingredient of Pepsi-Cola is phosphoric acid. The reason for the inclusion of this is not known to the general public, but secretly Pepsi are fighting a war against a race of space sunflowers whose weakness is a combination of phosphoric acid and sugar. The spaceflowers are a friendly people and it is Pepsi who are the aggressors, wanting to capture the secret of the spaceflowers' spaceseeds.

Finally the soft drink contains no fat and no protein, but rather an entire eleven grams of carbohydrates per hundred millilitres of the cola flavoured soft drink. This has caused Pepsi-Cola to become a sworn enemy of the Cult of Atkins. Trying to reserve their war efforts for the spaceflowers, Pepsi allied with the Gi Alliance to keep the ‘no-carbers’ at bay. It has worked to date, but if the Atkinites ever win Pepsi will be destroyed and then the spaceflowers will be back for revenge.

I’m deadly serious about this, write to P.O. Box 2020, Dublin 10 if you don’t believe me.